Whatever Happened to Snotser?

Snotser Galligan

When RTE Two's "The Den" was cancelled in late 2010, it marked the end of the road in the career of many of RTE's most prominent puppets, and a slim Christmas for those who helped give life to the characters. Some of these puppets were locked away, deep in the RTE vaults (along with Twink's original face and Daniel O'Donnell's contract with Satan), while others went on to represent Ireland in the Eurovision. I'm not sure who suffered more...

File Photo of the dole queue the week after "The Den" was cancelled

But not all of RTE's daytime muppets descended into the abyss of forgotten nothingness (Daithí Ó'Sé still does the Rose of Tralee you know). The end of "The Den" was just the beginning of the story of Snotser Galligan. His introduction to the regular afternoon programming alongside Dustin the Turkey and Soky the sock monster breathed new life into a show that had begun to decline in quality, as his high-pitched voice and blind enthusiasm for tea and all things related to Manchester Utd quickly made him a fan favourite. And while the ratings briefly spiked for the first time in years, he alone just wasn't enough to keep the sinking ship afloat. Under pressure from RTE executives to get the viewing numbers up, Snotser and his fellow cast mates spent hours behind locked doors trying to think up of innovative ideas for making "The Den" more relevant to the younger audiences, and the long hours in the writing rooms quickly began to affect their personal lives. By the time the axe had finally fallen upon "The Den", Snotser was a complete mess. His erratic behaviour and infrequent public appearances in the following weeks caused the rumour mills to explode, with a number of sources close to the Galligan family citing a suspected heroin addiction as the reason for this.

Snotser: Denies Drug Abuse

"Heroin is a hell of a drug, ya know? Oi mean, Oi've never tayken the heroin, ruih? BUH, we did have Christy from that baaand up deyre in Ballymun on tha show once, and he was off his fuckin' tits man. Kids were cruyin' all over the gaff. Bad buzz, ruih?"

Despite his adamant denial of any rumours pertaining to a heroin addiction, Snotser was not so defensive however when confronted about his alleged cocaine abuse.

Snotser: Admits Drug Abuse

"Aw YEAH I done that lowads a toimes. YEAH, good gas that shih. It's probly, NO, definitely the reason for me not showin' me face in public for the last few weeks."

Snotser's cocaine addiction got him in with some of the top paid members of the RTE television staff (for the record, I am not implying that RTE is full of coke heads, but come on, you'd want to be off your tits on something to put Fair City on the air every week). This, together with his accurate opinions on how "fuckin' deadly" Ryan Giggs used to be, landed him a role as a panelist on the Airtricity League of Ireland review show, "Monday Night Soccer"; a role that was relatively short-lived, when on only his second appearance he told Richie Sadlier that he was nothing but a "shit Liam Brady", before adding that Irish soccer was in a "worse state than John Giles' wrinkly ballsack face". Snotser was sacked by the RTE in January of 2011.

With no home, or money, he turned to the only person he could think of to help.

Ray D'Arcy: Selfless Do-Gooder

"I had to help him, I felt it was my duty. It had nothing to do with the fact that my career was suffering and I needed a good story to generate publicity for myself. I even said as much in my two-page spread in last week's Sunday Times, entitled "How Ray Saved The Bacon". Again, I only did this out of the kindness of my heart."

While living with Ray, Snotser worked his way through several 12-step programs designed to help him kick the cocaine habit. One such program suggested that since Snotser had such an addictive personality, perhaps he should substitute his cocaine addiction for a less serious, and all-round less harmful addiction. That was around the time that he discovered "The Muppets".

Snotser: Pig Enthusiast

"That Miss Piggy is fuckin' mint. I would give her pork some scratchin' so oi woood."

Snotser's interest in Miss Piggy became an obsession. He wrote several letters to her proposing marriage, sent numerous lewd pictures of himself in different compromising positions, and even showed up on her doorstep unannounced one afternoon.

Kermit the Frog was not amused...

Kermit the Frog: The only green thing
tougher than the incredible hulk

"Well sir, I found out where that no-good swine was staying. I got right into my car here, and I drove over there to confront him. And well, the second that front door opened I just lost it. I started swinging blindly and beat that fat grunt harder than Animal beats his drumkit."

When asked about this particular assault by our chief investigative team, Snotser seemed a little bit confused, and could not recollect any such confrontation from Kermit the Frog.

Snotser: Drug Addict and hard-as-nails grunt

"I dunno whaaa that little greeun toad is talkin' abouh? I'd take any man down in a foight."

Slightly confused by the misinformation, our investigative team took to calling local hospitals and accident and emergency units in the area to see if there had been anyone admitted in the previous six-hour period with injuries that would correspond to a physical assault. It was only then did we discover that Kermit had inadvertently targeted the wrong man...

D'Arcy: Mistaken I-Den-Tity

The beating that Ray endured on his doorstep that morning was the last straw as far as his friendship with Snotser was concerned. In a fit of rage, Ray swept him up and abandoned him at a local piggery, where a mysterious businessman was keen to acquire the animal, offering Ray €17 in exchange for Snotser's services.

Blobkbottom; In no way affiliated with the character
from that film about the fighting itinerant

"Yeah I gave that little runt a job to do. I needed him to eat some... chicken for me..."

Snotser's taste for "chicken" flesh made a welcome change from the thousands of euro worth of cocaine and rashers he would consume on a weekly basis, and his short time working for Blockbottom started him off on a road to rehabilitation. He removed himself almost completely to continue his rehab, and was not seen again until Soky the Sock Monster mentioned meeting and conversing with him during an interview in August 2013.

Soky: IQ of a cocktail sausage

"I sawed my friend Oink Oink yesterday and he was happy and smiled lots and he said my jumper was nice."





Snotser reemerged into the public eye a completely changed pig. In a brief public interview on Dustin's Daily News, he indicated that his clean living was all a result of him finding Jesus. He was at this point attending mass 11 times a day, with the ultimate intention of becoming a priest. In early 2014, Snotser's dream was realized. He was ordained "Fr. Ignatious Ultan Pastorium", and began saying mass in the small parish of Cam, Co. Roscommon.

Fr. IUP: Who doesn't
love a good FrIUP

"I chose Cam because it remoiinded me of me ancestree. Ya know, cause my great grandfathur was a Ham."

Fr. Ignatious still says mass to this day in Roscommon, despite the recent rumours of an illicit relationship with Miriam O'Callaghan. There are also whisperings that he may be an alcoholic, after it was confirmed that the parish of Cam is the world's largest consumer of holy wine, despite the fact that there are only four members of the parish:

Fr. Ignatious, two 90-year-old nuns, and a cow named "Daisy".

Rex Banner, 2018