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| The Fat Controller - Sir Topham Hatt |
Sir Topham Hatt was nothing short of a complete and utter bastard.
He's dead now, thankfully, but don't stop reading just because I've given away the ending in the opening sentence, the manner of how he eventually met his demise is still an interesting one.
On the surface, Topham was everybody's favourite "Fat Controller"; the delightfully jolly overseer of the national rail service in the United Kingdom from the latter half of the 1970's through to the late 80's. But beneath this portly exterior lay a sinister mind; a power-hungry control freak with an often uncontrollable temper.
The details about Hatt's origins are sketchy and difficult to clarify; nobody knew precisely who his parents were. It is rumoured that at some point during the second world war, his mother abandoned him in a wicker basket on the steps of a London cathedral with a note that simply read "Return to Winston".
"Don't be ridiculous, of course he isn't mine, he looks nothing like me."
In spite of the claims put forth time and again by peers and critics of the then Prime Minister to accept responsibility for the illegitimate child and support its upbringing, Churchill instead stood firm in his denial of paternal acknowledgement, and so Topham doomed to a life in the child foster care system. This rejection is thought to have been a critical factor in moulding the character of the monster that was to mature in the subsequent years.
"Topham was such a gentle soul, a nice little boy. When he first came here he was so scrawny and weak, but I took care of him, plumped him up with five meals every day, I was preparing to give him a nice new home like so many delicious children before him when I had to take an abrupt holiday."
Not long after Carehome foster clinic was raided in the early 50's (around the time that Dr. Lecter disappeared off the face of the Earth), the facility was closed and its residents (now almost completely corrupted both physically and mentally) were relocated to different areas of the United Kingdom. Topham ended up with a family in Liverpool, where he attended St Silas primary school. It was here where he first struck up a friendship with a youngster named Richard Starkey. The two were inseparable throughout their teenage years, sharing a passion for model railways, and both even ended up getting jobs with British Rail after they finished their education. However, as the years progressed, Topham became increasingly dissatisfied with Richard's obsession with music, and often spoke of how he would never amount to anything in life if he insisted on "carrying on with that clatter".
"Music is a pointless endeavour practiced by hippies, trollops and worthless unemployable scumbags. The only music for me is the rhythm of the Cornish Riviera Express as it clatters along some solid British steel tracks."
It all came to a head a couple of years later when Richard Starkey decided to pursue his Rock and Roll dreams, changing his name to Ringo Starr as he joined an emerging outfit known as The Beatles. Topham took this lifestyle choice of Ringo's as a personal attack on his character, and the once beautiful friendship between two train enthusiasts diminished into a poisonous feud, fuelled by Topham's unshakable desire to destroy Ringo's career.
"He tried everything destroy the band. He spread vicious rumours, cancelled trains bound to destinations where we'd concerts on, he even hired this psychotic Japanese bird to seduce John and convince him to break up the band. I put up with so much from him, and tried my best to fix things, but the last time we spoke he ended all hope of reconciliation when he said 9 words that will stay with me til I die. He said...
That statement ensured a lifetime of bitterness to follow between the two, and effectively sealed Topham's fate, destroying any shred of humanity left inside him. His only goal now was to seize as much power as he could, and to use this power in order to eliminate his arch nemesis.
Within a couple of years, with the help of an appetite for power rivaled only by an appetite for food, Topham was promoted to the position of Controller of the North Western Railway, where he used his inauguration speech as a platform to publicly denounce The Beatles for the first time.
They wrote "We can work it out" as a response, in hopes of reconciliation.
There was none.
The second time he denounced the band, it was during his inauguration speech as Controller of British Rail a year later.
This time, they wrote "I am the Walrus" as a response, much to the enjoyment of the British public, making Topham a laughing stock nationwide.
"Master didn't like that. Henry liked it. Master got angry. Henry was never seen again."
Indeed, such was his rage at this public embarrassment, that Topham lashed out on a particular member of his fleet of engines who was foolish enough to hum the tune one day while travelling from London to Norwich. He loaded the poor unfortunate engine up to the brim with coal and sent him off towards the unfinished railway near the Clayton Ravine.
Henry's demise was a PR nightmare for British Rail, whose directors quickly turned on Topham, warning him that he'd better come up with something brilliant to rescue the company's reputation, or face dismissal. It was here that Topham concocted a plan to show the world his ingenuity and brilliant forward-thinking, whilst simultaneously setting a trap to rid the world of Ringo Starr once and for all. Swiftly, there was an announcement from British Rail that a tunnel was to be built connecting the United Kingdom to mainland Europe, set between Dover and Calais. This news delighted many, and respect for Topham grew exponentially with subsequent announcements of reduced fares and expansion of the network to more rural destinations. With this seemingly "new and improved" Topham Hatt emerging in the public eye, there were calls for an end to his squabble with Ringo once and for all for the sake of peace and harmony amongst British people everywhere.
Much to everyone's surprise, Topham extended an olive branch to The Beatles' drummer, making headline news on papers across the country (coincidentally taking another story about British Rail using homeless orphans to dig the tunnel for free off the front page), and Ringo responded by accepting that their feud should be put to bed once and for all.
Topham covertly instructed the workers to line the tunnel with powerful explosives, and had one of his contract engineers rig a handheld detonation device that could be used remotely.
Construction of the tunnel completed in 1993, and as a sign of newly found friendship, Topham invited Ringo Starr to be the honourary conductor (and sole occupant), of the ceremonial first train to pass from Dover to Calais. Starr accepted graciously, and Topham's plan was in place.
As the train passed through the darkened archway on the edge of Dover, bound for France, Topham stood at the exit on the Calais side, with the switch in his hand and a wicked smile on his face. He stepped into the tunnel so as to better hear the sound of the explosion as it rippled through to herald the end of the greatest war he'd ever fought, and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He pushed the button.
But nothing happened.
In a furious rage at the shoddy workmanship employed by the contractor he had hired, Topham cast the detonator aside and began to kick wildly at the track beneath him, when all of a sudden his chubby little foot became lodged. He cried out wildly for help as the sound of an engine approached. The cavern around him illuminated with the oncoming lights of the train. Even from the distance away from him, he could see Ringo in the driver's seat, and Ringo could see him. There was plenty of time to stop the train, but strangely it seemed to approach faster and faster with each moment.
The last images ever to flow through Topham's retinas were that of a lifetime enemy laughing maniacally, and a single, solitary word. A reminder of the very thing that started the war in the first place.
Rex Banner, 2019
"I was a shitty engineer, it's a good thing I only did it part time while I stuck to the music career."
On the surface, Topham was everybody's favourite "Fat Controller"; the delightfully jolly overseer of the national rail service in the United Kingdom from the latter half of the 1970's through to the late 80's. But beneath this portly exterior lay a sinister mind; a power-hungry control freak with an often uncontrollable temper.
The details about Hatt's origins are sketchy and difficult to clarify; nobody knew precisely who his parents were. It is rumoured that at some point during the second world war, his mother abandoned him in a wicker basket on the steps of a London cathedral with a note that simply read "Return to Winston".
 |
| Churchill; no relation to Topham or the tv dog |
"Don't be ridiculous, of course he isn't mine, he looks nothing like me."
In spite of the claims put forth time and again by peers and critics of the then Prime Minister to accept responsibility for the illegitimate child and support its upbringing, Churchill instead stood firm in his denial of paternal acknowledgement, and so Topham doomed to a life in the child foster care system. This rejection is thought to have been a critical factor in moulding the character of the monster that was to mature in the subsequent years.
 |
| Dr. Lecter; most famous for being chief of staff at the Carehome foster clinic |
"Topham was such a gentle soul, a nice little boy. When he first came here he was so scrawny and weak, but I took care of him, plumped him up with five meals every day, I was preparing to give him a nice new home like so many delicious children before him when I had to take an abrupt holiday."
Not long after Carehome foster clinic was raided in the early 50's (around the time that Dr. Lecter disappeared off the face of the Earth), the facility was closed and its residents (now almost completely corrupted both physically and mentally) were relocated to different areas of the United Kingdom. Topham ended up with a family in Liverpool, where he attended St Silas primary school. It was here where he first struck up a friendship with a youngster named Richard Starkey. The two were inseparable throughout their teenage years, sharing a passion for model railways, and both even ended up getting jobs with British Rail after they finished their education. However, as the years progressed, Topham became increasingly dissatisfied with Richard's obsession with music, and often spoke of how he would never amount to anything in life if he insisted on "carrying on with that clatter".
 |
| Topham Hatt; remorseless music-hating monster |
"Music is a pointless endeavour practiced by hippies, trollops and worthless unemployable scumbags. The only music for me is the rhythm of the Cornish Riviera Express as it clatters along some solid British steel tracks."
It all came to a head a couple of years later when Richard Starkey decided to pursue his Rock and Roll dreams, changing his name to Ringo Starr as he joined an emerging outfit known as The Beatles. Topham took this lifestyle choice of Ringo's as a personal attack on his character, and the once beautiful friendship between two train enthusiasts diminished into a poisonous feud, fuelled by Topham's unshakable desire to destroy Ringo's career.
 |
| Sir Ringo Starr; professional noise maker |
"You'll never amount to anything, because you're a Starr."
Within a couple of years, with the help of an appetite for power rivaled only by an appetite for food, Topham was promoted to the position of Controller of the North Western Railway, where he used his inauguration speech as a platform to publicly denounce The Beatles for the first time.
They wrote "We can work it out" as a response, in hopes of reconciliation.
There was none.
The second time he denounced the band, it was during his inauguration speech as Controller of British Rail a year later.
This time, they wrote "I am the Walrus" as a response, much to the enjoyment of the British public, making Topham a laughing stock nationwide.
 |
| Thomas the Tank Engine |
"Master didn't like that. Henry liked it. Master got angry. Henry was never seen again."
Indeed, such was his rage at this public embarrassment, that Topham lashed out on a particular member of his fleet of engines who was foolish enough to hum the tune one day while travelling from London to Norwich. He loaded the poor unfortunate engine up to the brim with coal and sent him off towards the unfinished railway near the Clayton Ravine.
 |
| File Photo |
Henry's demise was a PR nightmare for British Rail, whose directors quickly turned on Topham, warning him that he'd better come up with something brilliant to rescue the company's reputation, or face dismissal. It was here that Topham concocted a plan to show the world his ingenuity and brilliant forward-thinking, whilst simultaneously setting a trap to rid the world of Ringo Starr once and for all. Swiftly, there was an announcement from British Rail that a tunnel was to be built connecting the United Kingdom to mainland Europe, set between Dover and Calais. This news delighted many, and respect for Topham grew exponentially with subsequent announcements of reduced fares and expansion of the network to more rural destinations. With this seemingly "new and improved" Topham Hatt emerging in the public eye, there were calls for an end to his squabble with Ringo once and for all for the sake of peace and harmony amongst British people everywhere.
Much to everyone's surprise, Topham extended an olive branch to The Beatles' drummer, making headline news on papers across the country (coincidentally taking another story about British Rail using homeless orphans to dig the tunnel for free off the front page), and Ringo responded by accepting that their feud should be put to bed once and for all.
Topham covertly instructed the workers to line the tunnel with powerful explosives, and had one of his contract engineers rig a handheld detonation device that could be used remotely.
Construction of the tunnel completed in 1993, and as a sign of newly found friendship, Topham invited Ringo Starr to be the honourary conductor (and sole occupant), of the ceremonial first train to pass from Dover to Calais. Starr accepted graciously, and Topham's plan was in place.
As the train passed through the darkened archway on the edge of Dover, bound for France, Topham stood at the exit on the Calais side, with the switch in his hand and a wicked smile on his face. He stepped into the tunnel so as to better hear the sound of the explosion as it rippled through to herald the end of the greatest war he'd ever fought, and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He pushed the button.
But nothing happened.
In a furious rage at the shoddy workmanship employed by the contractor he had hired, Topham cast the detonator aside and began to kick wildly at the track beneath him, when all of a sudden his chubby little foot became lodged. He cried out wildly for help as the sound of an engine approached. The cavern around him illuminated with the oncoming lights of the train. Even from the distance away from him, he could see Ringo in the driver's seat, and Ringo could see him. There was plenty of time to stop the train, but strangely it seemed to approach faster and faster with each moment.
The last images ever to flow through Topham's retinas were that of a lifetime enemy laughing maniacally, and a single, solitary word. A reminder of the very thing that started the war in the first place.
"You're a Starr!!!" he cried out...
"You're a St-"
Rex Banner, 2019
"I was a shitty engineer, it's a good thing I only did it part time while I stuck to the music career."
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