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| Lotney "Sloth" Fratelli |
Lotney Fratelli was born a deformed bastard in the summer of 1955.
Because of his hideous deformities, Lotney's mother kept him locked away in isolation from society for the duration of his childhood, where he was forced to watch seemingly endless re-runs of whatever day time television was on offer from the British Broadcasting Corporation (the only channel his mother could afford on her criminal salary). Culinary programs were of particular interest to Lotney, and many believe that it was during this time that he first developed a passion for cookery. According to sources close to Lotney, his recreational hours outside of his locked chamber were spent almost entirely on trying out new recipes and preparing a host of meals for his mother and brothers, and by all accounts (i.e. his mother's) he was considered to be one of the best chefs in the Northern Hemisphere by the time he was twelve.
His culinary talents were obvious from a young age, yet his family did little to nurture them. Instead, his mother and brothers continued to keep him locked away while they cultivated a criminal empire of their own. In 1985, however, everything changed when a botched attempt at the theft of an ancient pirate's gold in the "Goon Docks" (a small neighbourhood in the town of Astoria, Oregon), left Sloth's entire family behind bars. After the series of events which occurred on that fateful summer's day, Sloth finally found himself surrounded by a family that cared about him, when he went to live with his friend Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen. With new found love and support from the Cohens, Sloth attended high school and graduated with average grade scores in 1997.
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| Principal Ed Rooney |
"Yeah, I remember Fratelli. He was an average student. Very little trouble. Unlike that Bueller Kid. Give me five minutes alone with Bueller and a 12-inch length of wavin pipe and I'll put some manners on that little piece of shit."
As he grew up and passed into adulthood, Lotney continued to keep a keen eye on the BBC, only to find himself becoming increasingly frustrated by the obvious decline in quality of the cookery shows that were being broadcast as the years progressed. His frustration caused him to write letters of complaint to the BBC, with much of his correspondence aimed at one television chef in particular, namely Ainsley Harriott from BBC1's "Ready Steady Cook".
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| Sloth in a 2003 interview |
"I really hate Ainsley Harriott."
His dissatisfaction with the state of TV cooking spurned Lotney on to fill out an application form to become a contestant on Gordon Ramsey's reality show "Hell's Kitchen" in late 2001.
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| Francis Fratelli - Missing since 2011 |
Despite being what many reviewers described as "the worst chef in reality tv history", the audience were baffled each and every week to find that Gordon continued to keep Lotney in the competition.
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| Gordon Ramsay - Professional Curser |
"I only kept him in the competition because I thought he looked a little bit like Heston. I'd call old Blumey up every Thursday night and congratulate him on surviving for another week. He hated that. It made my week, every week."
An apparent mix up in the telephone voting system saw Sloth prevail in the grand final with 48% of the popular vote, despite claims that not a single member of the public voted for him. The result was met with widespread disdain.
"The only thing more hideous than his deformed face are his chocolate soufflés"
Cookery Weekly (2001)
Regardless of the public uproar, Sloth was handed the 2001 Hell's Kitchen title; the prize included the publication of your very own cook book and a cheque for £30,000. Sloth's first cook book was released in late 2003, and once again there was widespread public uproar, but this time it was for a very different reason...
2003 Christmas Cook Book Publication Scandal
As a huge fan of the late Marilyn Monroe, it was always Sloth's dream to emulate her memory on the international stage. And what better way, he figured, than to name his first publication in her honour. The dream, however, became a nightmare, when Sloth decided to save some money by sending the draft of his book, titled "Some like it Sloth", to a Japanese printing company. In a case that was well and truly lost in translation, culinary fans and bookworms everywhere were appalled with what they found on the shop shelves over the holiday period.
The media had a field day, with several papers circulating rumours about Sloth's sexual orientation. Sloth publicly denied the allegations, claiming that the only reason he didn't have a girlfriend was because he was "too busy filling buns with cream". The subsequent lawsuit against the Japanese printing company saw little reward for Sloth, when the judge's ruling indicated that as compensation for the errors, the company in question were ordered to print ten thousand copies of his second publication for free.
His follow up to "Some like it Sloth" came three years later, when the Christmas markets were once again anticipating the appetizing "Too many cooks spoil the Sloth"...
Another lawsuit was subsequently filed. Sloth was awarded £10,000,000 in defamatory damages.
In 2010, a public poll listed Sloth as one of the top ten most eligible bachelors in the celebrity gay community. The results of this poll were criticized by many leading gay rights activists, who refused to acknowledge Sloth's position in the list on the grounds of his physical appearance. Despite being adamant about his straight sexuality, Sloth still considered the refusal by the gay community to acknowledge his rightful position on the list as "offensive", and once again his controversial love life was made a public scandal, covering the front of newspapers worldwide.
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| Birmingham Mail - June 16th 2010 |
Four months ago, it was revealed that Sloth is indeed a homosexual. He has been having a secret relationship with his adoptive brother Chunk for almost fourteen years.
Rex Banner, 2018
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| Heston Blumenthal, AKA Not Sloth |
"Fuck Gordon Ramsay."
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