Whatever Happened to Dino?

Dino

Despite being born in the late 1960's, when it was acceptable for an iguana to fornicate with a Cadbury's easter egg, Dino Snorkasaurus had a relatively sheltered and restrictive childhood. He found himself struggling with school throughout his youth, being held back from moving on up through the years on a number of occasions, primarily because he had an IQ in the lower end of the 50's.

Jenny Snorkasaurus: Dino's mother

"He got my looks, but his father's brains. Unfortunately, the brain of the average iguana weighs 12 grams."

His grades were poor, but otherwise Dino seemed to get on relatively well with the other children in his school, making hundreds and hundreds of friends over the eight years he spent in first class.

Dino: Once lost a game of connect four to a melon

"I like children."

After failing his first class exams for the tenth time with a record low score of minus 3% in maths (according to his own calculations), Dino dropped out of primary school. He continued to show up on the playground, however, spending his mornings sitting patiently, waiting until lunchtime so that he could play with the children. At first it was cute, but by the time Dino had turned 25, it was starting to get a little creepy. Then, on one rainy October day, things got out of control, when a concerned parent was attacked following a confrontation with Dino.

File Photo

To his detriment, the parent he pissed off was a member of the US postal service, who was quick to ship Dino off to the most miserable cesspool on the face of the Earth.

Hollywood.

Newman: Nemeses include
Jenny Snorkasaurus and Jerry Seinfeld

"Dino's mother and I came to a... delicious understanding.

And then she just suddenly left without any... eggsplanation...

I'd like to say the whole experience left a bitter taste in my mouth, BUT IT DIDN'T!

MWAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Dino adapted to his new environment quickly, and because of his unique looks, he soon landed himself a role in an up-and-coming ABC drama about the struggles of a middle-aged mother with her dead-end life and abusive alcoholic husband.

The Flintstones

The Flintstones ran for six strong seasons, before ending rather abruptly when PETA had production shut down over allegations that one of the show's highest paid actors had been interfering with some of the on-set animals.

File Photo

The allegations were subsequently dropped, however, when a key figure for the prosecution in the legal proceedings following the incident suddenly and inexplicably recanted his eye-witness testimony. Mr. B. Rubble (no that's too obvious, let's call him Mr. Barney R.) now claims he was unsure and confused about what he had seen. The incident in question is believed to have involved a prominent member of cast, two pelicans, a mammoth and a bowling ball.

Unidentified Witness

"Duuhhhhh I didn't see anything, okay? I uhhhh made it all up. Yes sir I did. I did indeedioo. In fact, Fred, uh, I mean the anonymous member of the cast accused of those things was actually ATTACKED by those wild animals and bowling balls. Yes sir, indeedioo. Nobody sent me any death threats. No sir they didn't."

Following his work on The Flintstones, Dino once again tried to get himself back onto the acting scene, failing miserably in his auditions for both Jurassic Park and The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Dino was, however offered a role in the awful, awful Jurassic Park III. He declined the offer by wiping his ass with the script.

It is unclear whether or not this was an act of snubbery to the producers, or whether in his idiocy he mistook the script for some toilet paper. 

The latter seems more plausible.

Instead, Dino went to work with his good friend and fellow lover of children (in a platonic way) Michael Jackson, and together the two built the "Neverland Ranch".

Bill the Builder: Oversaw ranch construction

"I asked him why he called it the "Neverland Ranch". He told me that he named it in honour of the boy who never grew up. I assumed he was referring to Peter Pan until one day during restoration work my workers dug up some human remains.

....Those guys were fucked up."

When the controversy broke about Michael Jackson, Dino disappeared. Some say he fled, others say he ran. What is clear is that he didn't hang around when the shit hit the fan.

Fan

"Shit hit me."

You came here today to find out what happened to Dino, but I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you, because Dino has not been seen or heard from in over a decade.

I guess all we can do is keep our eyes peeled, and be forever on the lookout for a big purple dinosaur who is some kind of tv star with a severely low IQ and an affinity for children.

Rex Banner, 2018.