Whatever Happened to Jessica Fletcher?

Jessica Fletcher

"Murder", she wrote. Or so it would appear.

Oftentimes I hear the rumours too. You know, the ones uttered by the tin-foil-hat-wearing conspiracy theorists around their campfires. "Isn't it rather strange", they would say, "that Jessica Fletcher was always there at the location of the murder, but never considered to be a suspect?"

Indeed, it's a relatively astute observation, I must admit. The intentional homicide rate in the small town of Cabot Cove is astronomical, when you think about it. Looking at the numbers and doing some really quick mathematics for a moment, we see that Cabot Cove in the state of Maine, USA has approximately 3,000 inhabitants. There were 264 episodes of the television documentary "Murder, She Wrote" in total, so let's say (generously) that there was only a single murder in each episode. That means that at least 250 murders took place in a town with a population of just 3,000 people during a time in which our dear detective J.B. Fletcher was in residence.

In other words, 8.3% of the entire population of Cabot Cove were brutally murdered over a 12-year period in the late 80's to mid-90's. That's a pretty big coincidence when you think about it. When I first arrived at this rather astonishing conclusion, I decided to approach Jessica Fletcher (now retired and living in the south of the Republic of Ireland) for comment on the allegations.

Jessica Fletcher, has a stare that could sink the titanic

"You don't know what you're talking about, son.

Understand me?

Now turn around, and walk the fuck away."

Admittedly, in hindsight, the idea of approaching a potential serial killer armed with nothing but pure conjecture was somewhat of an error in judgement on my part. The one good thing that did come out of this otherwise disastrous encounter was that I was now convinced that the tin-foil-hat-wearing conspiracy theorists were actually onto something.

Tin Foil Hat

"Us hats, we're the ones who actually know what's going on, not those nut jobs who put us on their heads. We know who really shot JFK, and we know the location of the studio in which they filmed the moon landing. But we're not saying shit until you stop wrapping us around your goddamn chicken breasts!"

By the early 1990's, the alarmingly high murder rate in the little coastal town of Cabot Cove was beginning to attract some serious media attention. So much so that it warranted intervention from the federal government of the United States, who drafted in some of the world's top detectives in order to form a crack team, tasked with researching case files, following up on new leads, and seeing if they could get to the root of the matter at hand.

The investigation lasted a total of just eight months, ending rather abruptly when one of the detectives, none other than C.S.I. Miami's Horatio Caine, was found brutally murdered in his bedroom at the Cabot Cove Bed & Breakfast, having had both of his legs and one of his arms removed from his torso in a terrible act of extreme violence. His death was the last straw for the crack team; all of the remaining members fled the country in fear for their lives.

Sherlock Holmes: "I'm going 221b getting the fuck out of here"

"I could run to my mind palace and that scary old bitch would still find me. I think I'll stick to some smaller fish in future, like Moriarty."

Horatio Caine's death became just another statistic on a pie chart in Cabot Cove's police department. Another murder to add to the multitude of murders. Or so it would have been, had it not been for a potentially crucial piece of evidence that was discovered at the crime scene. For you see, it was apparent that with his dying breaths, detective Caine managed to write a final, unfinished murder note, in his own blood, onto a small scrap of newspaper, which read as follows...

Horatio Caine - Looks like he's... resting... in pieces
YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

"It looks like I'm... (•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐■-■ / (⌐■_■)

Checking out early. Oh, by the way, my killer is none other than J.B. Fle--" 

Finally, the police had a break in the case. A partial name to put to all of the countless preceding homicides. For once, they had a solid lead to work with. They now knew that the killers name began with "J.B. Fle". Suddenly, things were proceeding at an alarming rate. Phone books from all over town were ordered to HQ for analysis... except they never made it to their destination. The postman was mysteriously murdered en route to the police station and the evidence was never recovered.

As the police were in the process of ordering a second batch of phone books, the case was suddenly solved. The murderer, one John Boyles Flenfield, was successfully apprehended by none other than Jessica Fletcher herself, when she managed to uncover his birth certificate and definitively prove that he was Adolf Hitler's lovechild (see "Murder, She Wrote" Season 6 Episode 14). After all, no son of Hitler could possibly be innocent. There were subsequent claims from the Flenfield family that John was a fourth generation American, and that at the time of Caine's murder he was actually on holiday with his family in Italy, but before he could stand trial, he himself was murdered.

Another "as yet unsolved" homicide.

In the subsequent months and years, other members of law enforcement from around the globe have occasionally taken up the mantle of trying to crack the case, only to find themselves blocked at every turn.

Inspector Gadget: Now available in 4G

"I recall on one occasion that my niece, Penny, got an anonymous tip pointing me to a potential suspect in fourteen separate unsolved murders. I decided to call up this Mrs Fletcher on my go go gadget telephone. She told me to 'go go fuck myself'."

No matter how hard the full force of the law came down upon Cabot Cove, nobody could ever join the dots, nobody could ever pin the murders on any one person.

Columbo: America's greatest detective

"I could never see things from the killer's point of view. At least that's what J.B. Fletcher told me once... Oh, and just one more thing. Before I investigated Jessica Fletcher, I had two functioning eyes..."

The fact of the matter is, we may never get to the bottom of the mystery. Whatever happened to Jessica Fletcher? Well, the answer is simple. Nobody knows. For you see, J.B. Fletcher vanished into thin air two months ago. Some say she fled the country knowing that the FBI and Interpol were finally catching up with her. Others say that she murdered herself considering the fact that she was now the only person left alive who knew about the things she had done, and that she was simply one more loose-end to tie up on the way to a "perfect crime".

Either way, we may never know the truth. Her neighbour, Mrs Rehctelf, who moved into the area last week, had this to say...

"Jessica Who? Oh, sorry dear, I'm afraid I have no idea who that is...

Understand me?

Now turn around, and walk the fuck away."

So if you've got some holiday time coming up, please take my advice and go somewhere like Europe, or Continental Africa, or even down to Baghdad for God's sake.

Just don't go to Cabot Cove.

Rex Banner, 2018